


Our Love, Our Life

by FredAndGeorgeForever



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Confusion, Drama & Romance, Explanations, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Ianto's Family, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Post-The Year that Never Was (Doctor Who), Romance, Romantic Fluff, Torchwood One, Torchwood Three, Unrequited Love, Valentine's Day, motherly advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FredAndGeorgeForever/pseuds/FredAndGeorgeForever
Summary: ‘’Mum? Will I ever be in love?’’ 5-year-old Ianto asked her that night after she’d read him a bedtime story. She put the book away and sat down on his bed. She let her soft fingers glide through his hair in a calming motion.‘’Of course, you will my dear. When you’re a little older, and a little wiser, you, just like your sister will fall in love.’’ She told him.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Our Love, Our Life

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's day!

When Ianto was younger, he always asked his mother what love was. Because why did Rhiannon fall in love with someone? Why did she suddenly not want to eat anymore? Why was she always talking about the boy who stole her heart? It just felt weird to think about someone so much.

‘’Mum? Will I ever be in love?’’ 5-year-old Ianto asked her that night after she’d read him a bedtime story. She put the book away and sat down on his bed. She let her soft fingers glide through his hair in a calming motion.

‘’Of course, you will my dear. When you’re a little older, and a little wiser, you, just like your sister will fall in love.’’ She told him.

‘’But how will I know?’’ He asked afraid that he wouldn’t know or remember it.

‘’You will know, right in here,’’ She said pointing to her heart.

‘’When you think about that person, you will feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with her or even him. Anything is possible if you just believe in it.’’ He still remembered how her eyes had turned glazy and a smile had splayed on her lips. Dreamily she looked at him and at that moment he knew that his mum was in love with his dad.

‘’I hope I will find that soon.’’

‘’No hurries, but for now, young man, you need to go to sleep.’’ He nodded sleepily at her and closed his eyes, dreaming about what his future might hold.

\--0O0--

When Ianto was 9-years-old he was sure that he was in love. He couldn’t stop thinking about that one girl in class. But she was never looking at him. And… when he went to give her a rose on valentines day, she accepted it but laughed at him for even thinking she would want anything with him. Afterwards, she threw the rose on the ground and crushed it with her shoe right in front of his eyes. His heart was broken and from that moment on Ianto vowed to never fall in love. Because it simply hurt too much. Humiliated he’d fled from school and went home, to his mum, who was surprised to find him crying in the kitchen.

‘’What’’s wrong darling?’’ She asked him and kneeled down next to his chair. He moved his hands away from his face, his eyes were swollen from crying and tears were still falling out of his eyes.

‘’She...made fun of me, right in front of the whole class.’’ He told her through hiccups. 

‘’Oh dear, that’s not very nice.’’ She put her arm around his small fragile body and tried to calm him. Just then the phone went and his mum stood up to answer it.

‘’Hello, with Glenda Jones? I’m sorry what? Oh, yes, Ianto is here. No, he’s feeling ill so he won’t come back today. Yes, he went home without telling, but it’s alright. He went straight home. Yes, I’ll tell him. Have a fine day.’’ It was over sooner than he expected and she kneeled down next to him again.

‘’Next time when something like this happens, just tell them you’re sick okay.’’ She told him caressingly.

‘’But you told me not to lie.’’ He answered right after she stopped talking.

‘’Every once in a while, you’re permitted to lie. Everyone does it.’’ He nodded at her and wiped away the last tears from his cheeks. He couldn’t cry anymore, even though he wanted to. There simply weren’t any tears left.

‘’Now come on. Let’s go do something fun together to mend your broken heart. And don’t tell your sister or dad. They don’t need to know.’’ She said and held her finger before her lips. Her mischievously eyes drew him away from his self-pity and into a day full of joy with his mother.

That night when his dad asked him how his day had been, he first looked at his mother, and then answered him with a smile.

‘’It’s been good.’’ His dad nodded approvingly and went on to ask his sister the same. 

\--0O0--

When Ianto was 14-years-old he took one last chance. Even though the vow with his heart told him not to do it, he still did. This time - not like other people in his class - he hadn’t fallen in love with the most popular girl in class. No, he’d fallen in love with the shy girl who was sitting - most of the time - next to him. She was kind, lovely, and everything his heart vowed never to want again. But as his mother had said one day, love wasn’t a choice, it happened to you if you wanted to or not. 

He should've listened to his brain because what happened after - out of love he told himself that morning - got him into more trouble than he could've ever imagined.

One day, just before class had started he nudged her and spoke his mind - her attention was to her notebook where he could see her draw magnificent things.

"Sarah? Can I ask you something?" He mumbled awkwardly after he got her attention. She smiled encouragingly at him and so he found the courage to ask what he'd wanted to for weeks.

"I know that we barely know one another, but would you like to go on a date with me?" Her smile broadened and for once he felt certain that this was going to end well.

"Yeah, I would like that. Maybe we could hang out some more together? Are you doing something next period? I know you too have a free period." Quickly he thought about his plans, he'd been thinking about doing some homework then, but he'd figured he could do that later too.

" Yeah, we could do something. Any plans in mind?" 

"I was thinking about going to the supermarket, I need something but if I go after school I'll have to explain to my mum."

"It's okay. We could do that." He told her just when their teacher walked into class and their mathematics class began.

In the end, he found out that she hadn't liked him at all. She'd just wanted to lure in her next victim. When he hadn't been watching, she'd put all kinds of things in his backpack. So when the alarm went off, he was the one to blame. The cops called his mum, who was the only one to believe in his innocence, but she wouldn't be able to persuade the cops or judge. So at 14-years-old, he became a convicted criminal. Which gave him quite a few troubles at home and an unwanted popularity boast. All of a sudden he was the cool criminal - and they constantly asked him how it had felt to steal - at school. Which made him all the more determined to leave Cardiff behind for good. As soon as he could.

\--0O0--

Recent love disasters had warned him to not do it. And he'd been right. After one date, Lisa had told him that this wasn't going to work. Apparently, he was too young for her. His heart was broken. A call to his mother for comfort would've been nice, but she too was wallowing in self-pity. All of a sudden his dad had passed. The doctors had said he would be fine. That he would be out of the hospital soon. So he hadn't thought that there was any need to speed back to Cardiff and visit him on his deathbed. And then, that one morning when he was watching as they brought in a caged alien at Torchwood one. He got a call that his dad had passed away in his sleep. A funeral followed and he'd stayed as long as he possibly could. But after two weeks - Yvonne had been particularly kind - his time was up and he had to leave his mother behind. It had hurt him to see his mother so crushed. But he had to go on with his life and trust that Rhiannon would be looking after her while he was gone.

Many times he'd wondered why his mother had been so determined that he would find a loved one someday. Love only meant pain. And for what?

He tried to forget all about it, iron his heart, and not feel anything when he passed Lisa in the hallway. It wasn't like he had much time to wallow about it anyway. Yvonne kept him on his toes and there was more than enough work to keep him distracted when his thoughts started to wander.

A year passed, he officially came of age and a few colleges decided that they should throw a proper party for him after work. That's when it happened. That night they all got hammered, a raging headache was the result the following morning, but when he opened his eyes - the light far too bright - he found himself entangled with Lisa. A quick peek beneath the covers told him they were both very much naked. This had been exactly what he would’ve wanted to happen a year ago. But now, he just wasn’t too sure if this was really it. He’d given up on Lisa, after all. Lisa let out a loud yawn - with her eyes still closed - she turned around and began to lay on his chest.

‘’WHAT?!?!?!?!’’ She screamed through the room. His poor ears couldn’t take that much noise at the moment.

‘’Could you please be a little quieter?’’ He whispered back at her.

‘’Ianto? What are you doing here?’’

‘’I could ask you the same, this is my apartment after all.’’

‘’Oh shit. No, tell me it’s not true.’’ She looked under the covers and wrapped - almost - the whole blanket around her very naked body as soon as she came back from under the blanket with a flushed face.

‘’Oh god, Ianto, I’m so sorry.’’

‘’What are you sorry about exactly?’’ He asked rather confusedly.

‘’This… this whole situation. I didn’t want to string you along. You know, this isn’t going to change anything. It was nothing more than sex. I still think us isn’t going to work you know.’’ His face fell, for a second he’d thought that maybe now this had happened - but he didn’t know anything about the whole situation anymore - that Lisa would go on a date with him. That maybe they would become partners. That he would finally have someone to love. To hold during a cold night. But all of that was in vain.

"Alright. It was just sex. One time that didn't mean anything. I get it." He told her dejectedly. It felt like she just drove a knife through his heart and twisted it around. It hurt so much that he kept away from her that day during work. That they'd been able to get there at all was a miracle in itself.

Yvonne had sensed something was wrong, he hadn't been that tense since he started working for her. But she let it go, probably thinking something happened in his personal life.

Fast forward two years, just a few days after his twentieth birthday, he was - for the first time in his life - really lucky in the world of love. Love hadn't been particularly kind to him, especially after the cruel relationship he'd only just escaped from with the help of Yvonne and Torchwood. So, when he came to work that morning - after an argument with his flatmate about cleaning the garbage - he'd been in a foul mood. But most of all, he hadn't expected to find a note on his desk, asking him to meet at the restaurant around the corner of Torchwood from Lisa. Surprised he immediately started asking himself what he could've done wrong. But as nothing came to his mind, he was left clueless, wondering what was going on for hours. He didn't want to speak with anybody about it, afraid he'd jinx it.

When the time finally came, he was nervous as hell. But nothing compared to the feeling when he saw Lisa sitting at the table, smiling from ear to ear.

"What's going on Lisa?" He'd asked her as soon as he set foot in the restaurant. During the long hours of waiting he'd even contemplated that it might've been a joke from someone, but he couldn’t think of anyone who would do such a thing to him and knew about his love for Lisa.

"Should something be wrong?" She asked him so innocently he began to feel like something was definitely wrong. He sat down on the chair opposite her and beheld the situation before him.

"Ianto, there's nothing wrong. Don't worry, I just wanted to treat you. It's been some time since we've talked. I miss you… as my friend." She said, put the menu down and placed her left hand on top of his right hand, which had been lying flat on the table. Quickly he pulled his hand from underneath hers and kept them as far away as possible from her.

"What are you doing?" Shortly, he looked around him, trying to find out if maybe she was in some kind of trouble and asked him to help her out without actually saying what was wrong. But he couldn't find anything suspicious, so he looked back at her and waited for her response. It didn't take long before she started to talk and he was all ears for her explanation.

"Ianto, would you please calm down. I want to ask you something." A long sigh escaped her lips before words actually left her mouth.

"Alright, I'm calm. What is it that you wanted to ask me?" In reality, he didn't feel calm at all, he just masked it perfectly for the outside world while his head was raging with anxiety.

"Don't you want anything to eat or drink first?" He nodded a firm no, so she kept going on.

"Here goes nothing I guess. Okay, remember all those years ago when I said you were too young for me and all that?" Blushing wildly she looked at her lap, not daring to look him in the eye.

"Yeah…?"

"Well, how would you like it if I asked you out on a date?" She looked up, eyes full of fear, most likely ready to bolt out of the door as soon as a negative answer came.

"I would love to." Was his answer. For the rest of his day, the dreamy smile wouldn't come off of his face. There was nothing - not even the mess Yvonne had left behind for him to clean - that could dampen his mood that day. Not even when he came home and his flatmate still hadn't cleaned up the garbage. He only stopped smiling when the Cybermen infiltrated Torchwood one and converted more than 90% of its staff. When he found Lisa, half converted, begging him to save her. Only then did he stop smiling, because he had to find a solution for the woman he believed to be the love of his life. 

\--0O0--

In the name of love - or so he'd thought - he tried to find a solution for their problem. But as he later found out: nothing could be done that would bring her back as she'd once been. The only thing he found out was that he despised love. It hurt so much to watch her die in front of his eyes, to watch the last human remains leave his grasp and disappear out of sight… forever. He watched her wracked body slump to the ground. The last bit of life left her eyes like a light being extinguished. Somewhere around the time that cyber woman Lisa had thrown him into the water and almost killed him he knew that there was nothing he could do for her that would save her. He'd known that before she was so cruelly shot before his eyes. But that didn't make it hurt any less. That didn't make the pain his heart was drenched in disappear. 

He was mourning and he clearly let it be known to the rest of the team who didn't even care about it - except Tosh who was trying with everything she got in her to befriend him and Jack - who for the first time in history cared about his staff, at least that’s what it looked like - visited him on a daily basis during his suspension to make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. His body and soul were mending itself from everything that had happened since the fall - or more like carnage - of Canary wharf. He needed time, but Torchwood wasn't there to give him that. He was always busy with something. Mostly cleaning up after other people's arses, of course. But every now and then he had a bit of luck and they went on a field trip which might not always have ended well. But at least it helped him to mourn Lisa. The love he'd felt for her had been greater than anything he'd ever experienced in his young life. But recently, something changed. Suddenly Lisa became less important in his life. Yes, he still loved her a great deal and yes he still wasn't over her - and most likely never would. But he couldn't help his traitorous heart beating a thousand times faster than it had ever done before. It had happened suddenly and very unexpectedly, but how it had transformed itself he hadn't seen coming from a mile away. He'd started it purely for the sex - and maybe a little because he felt attracted to him - and once again his heart had warned him not to do it. It had been a stupid idea anyway. But after a spontaneous action - after they'd just escaped a very dangerous place - he'd felt… so alive that his brain encouraged him to do something he would otherwise never do. 

Once started, he couldn't stop. One fling had turned into something he'd sworn to himself he would never do again. Not with Jack, not with anyone. But his heart betrayed how he felt for him and stopped him from calling quits on it.

Jack was the first human being who made him smile again, who made him laugh and wish to be alive rather than long for death.

That was when it hit him. For the second time in his life, he knew what it felt like to really be in love. He knew why his heart practically burst out of his chest every time he saw Jack and he knew why he couldn't stop thinking about him when he permitted himself to think about anything else but work. Only thing was, he didn't dare tell Jack about his feelings. He might already know for all he knew. But his promise to the friends with benefits rule made him keep his mouth firmly shut to Jack. Until Jack left and he was left alone with all these feelings roaming around in his body. Betrayal, heartache, love and hurt were the most frequent thoughts he had. The team knew about him and Jack, but only Tosh knew how serious he'd been. How he'd felt for such a long time already. Owen just thought he was a quick shag and God only knows what Gwen thought about their shenanigans. Not that he'd told her much more than that they were shagging. 

"Why must love hurt so much mum?" He asked her one quiet afternoon. Jack had been gone for quite some time already and no one knew when - or even if - he was going to be back.

"That's just how life works sweetheart." She patted his hand and put a cup of tea in front of him. She let out a cough and wrapped her scarf a little tighter around her neck. When a complete stranger would look at her they would think she wasn't feeling that well. While in reality, she was entering her last stage of the cancer that was trying to kill her. They already knew it wasn't going to be long before their time together was over and they would have to say goodbye. He would've never thought that while working at an alien organisation he would lose his family through something so stupid as a human disease. Not even something extraterrestrial. So every bit of spare time he had, he spent with her.

"I wish it wasn't like that." Sadly he looked down at their hands, only the thought of not being able to speak to her after something happened in his love life like he'd done ever since he was little, made his mood all the worse.

"What is it this mysterious person has done this time? I mean, he's been gone for a while now right?"

"Wait, what? How…?" He stammered. 

"Come on Ianto, I know you better than today. The way you talk about him, it's obvious that you love him."

" I… do. I do love him. I've never actually said those words aloud. Odd. It might sound strange, but I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him." He admitted to his mother. Never had he thought he would say those words out loud in his childhood home and to his mother no less? Even after he stopped talking his mother kept on smiling like there was nothing wrong. 

"Then tell him. As soon as he comes back, tell him how you feel." He nodded and soon they switched to another topic. Family time could be very weird and embarrassing. But every time he spoke to his mum, he made sure to cherish those memories for when he most needed them in his life. 

\--0O0--

"You're back." He exclaimed after he saw Jack for the first time in months. His heart was already betraying him in a heartbeat, but his mind was telling him not to jump at this opportunity right away. The betrayal was still too much present in his memory for him just to forget, like these past months had ever happened.

"I came back for you… all of you…" Jack didn't particularly look sure of what he was saying, but he took it for granted and beheld what was going to happen. For as much as he knew Jack was going to leave them again in a few hours, even though Jack claimed that he was staying, his mind and heart weren’t really convinced.

Even after Jack - what Jack had done hadn't been like Jack at all - had asked him out on a date, he kept his heart heavily guarded against any more heartache. He couldn't afford to break apart - not after he'd had to bury his mother last week and had been a total wreck.

When all had been quiet - or as quiet as it could get at Torchwood - after John had finally left Jack had taken them all to a hotel just outside the city. It wasn't anything fancy, he wouldn't have wanted that anyway, but it was nice to have a night when he didn't have to do anything. His bed was soft - too soft for his liking - and he'd been pondering for quite some time now. The others would probably be asleep by now, but he was still wide awake. Shock was still running through his body from the announcement that Jack was back… and that Jack wanted him. Normal, dull, human, Ianto Jones. There was nothing more strange than Jack admitting to him he wanted to give this 'relationship' a real try. Silently he shook his head while he stared at the ceiling. Unbelievable.

A knock at the door shook him out of his thoughts and made him get up. Quickly he walked to the door and was faced with a very antsy looking Jack.

"Hi?" Jack asked rather shyly. 

"What's wrong Jack?" Panic ran through his body as soon as he saw Jack's face. The only reason he could be standing here at… three in the night could be something Torchwood related… right?

"Nothing. Sorry, I shouldn't bother you with this right now." Jack said and turned halfway around before Ianto could catch his arm and drag him back to where he'd been standing.

"No, tell me. Would you… maybe want to get inside?" He asked him with all the courage he could ponder up. 

"Are you sure?" He nodded a yes, so Jack followed him inside and he closed the door behind him. Jack went to sit on one of the dusty chairs that stood in the corner while he went to sit on the bed facing Jack. Personally, he thought that there was too much space between them, but maybe this was better at the moment. Even though his traitorous heart wanted him back, Jack really had to earn his trust again if they wanted this to work.

"So what was it you came for?" He asked curiously. His hands were fidgeting while his eyes were staring at Jack's. He couldn't help but stare at the magnificent sight in front of him. 

"I uhm…." Jack started.

"I wanted to apologise. I should've left some sort of note so you knew that I'd be back." Jack continued.

"You know you shouldn't just tell me, but the whole team?" He asked him. 

"I wasn't referring to the team. I was just thinking about you." Silence fell and it took a while before one of them said anything to the other.

"What do you mean, Jack?" He finally asked after Jack kept staring at the ground. It was nothing like Jack to stay this silent. Normally he would've already heard one or more innuendos, but this felt more serious than it had before his disappearance. It made him rather curious to know what had happened with the doctor that had made Jack like this.

"You know after Abaddon, when I came back to life? I already wanted to ask you back then. But being with the doctor, experiencing things that I'm not ready to talk about, made me realise that I'm right where I belong. Sounds sappy, right? But it's true. I've been feeling these things that I'm not sure what to think about." Jack's eyes tilted up and suddenly he was staring in Jack's mesmerising bright blue orbs again.

"So… what you're saying is, you like me as more than just an employee… as friends… and you want to find out what that is?" Jack nodded a firm, yes, not trusting his own words he swallowed a few times before he said anything again and waited for Jack's response.

" Sort of yeah."

"Jack… truth be told… my heart isn't going to survive another failed attempt at love. I can't keep going on like this. Like nothing is happening. Because…" Quickly he halted, he couldn’t tell Jack that right now. Not after he’d just come back from god knows where.

"No. What were you going to say?" Jack quickly asked him. Jack's body started to move and before he knew it, Jack was sitting next to him. Only centimetres away from his body.

"I already fell in love with you." He whispered into the air. Their eyes stared into the other's soul. He felt like his mother was watching over him while he said that sentence, at least he hoped so because he would need the strength after this was most likely going southwards. He knew that love was a big step for a man who needed to live a thousand lifetimes, but he couldn’t help how he felt. He just hoped Jack would feel the same and make the best of it until Torchwood would be his death.

"That's… rather unexpected." Jack started blinking in record time. Internally he was cursing himself. It had seemed like a good plan to follow his late mother's advice, but at this moment, it rather felt like the plan had backfired on him.

"Just forget it. I'm going to take a shower, could you maybe go?" He stood up and asked Jack. He waited a few seconds - watching every move of him - before he started gathering everything he would need for a shower. His eyes were focused on the towels in front of him when an arm tried to stop him.

"Don't do this, Ianto," Jack told him. 

"I'm just going to take a shower."

"You perfectly well know what I mean!" Jack responded. His eyes looked far sterner than they'd ever been before. 

"You obviously don't feel the same, so why should I even bother?"

" That I'm unable to say it back doesn't mean I won't be able to love you in the near future. I've never really been able to open myself up for anyone, so I need someone to teach me how." Jack took both of his hands and looked him in the eye. Jack didn't let go of his gaze and it all felt so surreal like he'd ended up in a romance movie.

"Would you like to be that teacher?" Jack asked after a while. He swallowed a few times, prolonging the time he had.

"I can try."

And on that day, Ianto found out that love was much more complex than he could've ever imagined. That love wasn't just about the feeling you felt inside your heart, but that it was also about what you were willing to do for the other. That it wasn't just about the romantic gestures - like the rose he found on his desk the next day for the Valentine's Day they'd missed - and not about how he sometimes felt like he wanted to drop Jack in the middle of the ocean, because of his behaviour. 

It was about all the good and bad things combined. It was love that conquered all the bad days they had together. And sometimes, just sometimes, he knew that his mother had been right when she'd told him so many years ago, that one day, he would find the person who mattered the most to him. And that person was snoring right next to him, like the world - and their problems - had completely dissolved into nothingness. Sometimes, he felt like the luckiest guy in the world when he thought about the many ways someone could experience love. Because what was love, if not mutual?


End file.
